The Sunny Side

So, I've had this idea for my blog floating around for a while and hopefully I can write it as clearly as it is in my head. I felt that for awhile I've been on a roll of having dramatic things happen in my life. I could go really far back and say it started in June of 2006 when I lost Carson up until now, but that sounds so depressing. But that doesn't fully encompass the last two years of my life (by the way it feels more like 10 years of my life), I have had so much good happen too and I in no way mean to diminish the good and wonderful things that have happened in my life. They are the miracles that came out of the struggles.

Maybe I should start over and be more specific. I just read Melody's blog and it was so inspiring to me. It reminded me of this very specific thing she talked to me about, she said that everyone she knows that is truly amazing and wonderful and inspiring has had to go through these horrific, hard, scary challenges in their life. And this has always stuck with me. I think of this and tell myself that I want to be a great person, a wonderful person, someone for my daughter to look up to and in order to become that great person I am going to have to work really hard to get there and go through lots of yucky stuff. Now I won't say at time this thought hasn't pissed me off, because there were days when I wanted to say just screw it, I give up, I'm fine just the way I am. And then I come across someone (probably one of you) that is so inspiring to me and I think, OK, here we go, I can do this, I am going to be incredible like them.

Since I lost Carson, it feels like it has been one huge roll coaster of emotions and events. Losing Him was horrifically hard on my marriage and Kevin and I were separated for a little while, then shortly after we separated I found out I was pregnant with Addison, Kevin and I reconciled, then I lost my job, then it has been one huge, uphill, Mount Everest climb of financial difficulties which led us to loosing everything, house, cars, just everything. I was dealt a lucky hand in life I guess because it wasn't until after I lost my job that I ever had to deal with money problems. And they have just never gone away since. But let me stop, because the purpose of this post was not to list out all the reasons I have had it hard but to remind myself of all the reasons these trials were worth it.

Out of the muddy waters, truly miraculous things have happened. I have been so blessed and my eyes have been opened to the beauty of the people around me. I have been so touched my the random acts of kindess that I have been able to witness in my life. Last winter we had family and friends bring us groceries, we had clothes and toys given to Addison, we had special events that our family made us a part of, we had the greatest out pouring of love and support from the people in our lives.

These past two years have taught me the greatest lesson, look at the sunny side. I've been taking a close look at my life lately and it occured to me that I have just as many problems that I've always had. One goes away and is replaced by a new one, but that is part of life. So I have been working at looking at the sunny side and by doing this I feel this huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I laugh at myself somtimes becuase it just seems so much easier to be happy now and its like why wasn't I smart enough to start doing this two years ago. But thats why I've had the experiences I've had, to get me to this place, this place where it doesn't matter my life isn't perfect with a big red bow on it, but this is my life and it is wonderfully messy, and it is mine and it makes me happy!

I find new joy in the simple things. I have fallen in love all over again with my husband, I see my daugther with a new awarness of how special she is, there is a new joy of just being at home on a Saturday night and eating a home cooked meal with my family, and I have a new sense of excitement for the path that is in front of me.

Wishing you much love,
Sara