the power of ONE and the power of a COMMUNITY brings out the LOVE

I am so overwhelmed with the Christmas spirit and all this deep, gut wrenching faith that I feel that I haven't felt in a LONG time. Right now I KNOW that my house was MEANT to catch on fire! I don't have it all figured out or all the answers but right now I will tell you the things I do know.

I AM LOVED: you see I have always had this awesome family and I love them and brag about them and they have gotten me through so many times I have lost count and because of this amazing family I never had any real reason to look outside of my family to the community for any reason. I have always loved the town I grew up in, its home to me but I never felt this sense of community.......until the last few days. Sometimes stuff happens and it is unimaginable and bigger than you and at first you are just MAD, I mean real deep down ticked off, so ticked off all you can do is cry cause that just seems like the only thing left to do. But then.....this makeover happens on your heart and you didn't even know your heart was in need of one. The aftermath of a fire is something so blindsiding its hard to describe. I do ok and I feel ok and then I walk in there to try to find some Tylenol or something and I just get sad and mad, but I allow myself to accept those feelings and face them and it opens yourself up to a change you didn't know you needed.

I needed to realize the power of a community, the power of a small deed and when small deeds turn into big deeds. You see I have always believed people are good, at every ones core, they ARE good, and I love people...seriously! But I never had this knowledge in my own life that peoples goodness comes out when you need it to. Even typing this it sounds as if I were a hard, cold blooded person, and that's not the case, all the time people DO good stuff, I just have never seen it first hand. My HEAD knew that out there, there is a whole lotta people who love me, but my HEART needed reminded. See I have learned all too painfully the last 3 months that actions speak louder than words and words only go so far. So I stopped believing the words, which started to make my heart not as full of love as it once was.....which is why I needed this fire. I needed a sign to make me wake up.....God knew I was feeling lost and scared and alone in the deepest sense of alone....and I wouldn't have admitted it but a part of my was dying...this good part of me that I love...and I am stubborn and God knows this. So He knew that I needed a big reminder of GOOD, the GOOD that is out there from strangers. So my house caught on fire, for no physical reason any of us our sure of....but I am sure now that PEOPLE have a POWER they don't know they have. I hope I am making sense, I am so overcome, and my tears are falling so freely....I hope I can convey this renewed sense of LOVE you have all awakened me too.

These sweet beautiful people I know and don't know all got together through the power of this ONE WOMAN and her amazing family and they brought back a piece of me I didn't know I needed back. Never doubt the power of one, for this ONE woman has had the most profound affect on my life. I consider her a 'mentor' if you will, of how to be brave and how to love, how to help, how to allow your art to flow through you and how to share that with others, a mentor of the kind of 'artsy, brave girl' I want to be when I grow up. Tonight this One and Her family brought the love, the gifts, the things for the kids, crowns and bravery to me; it all means so much and through these necessary material things I learned a necessary spiritual thing. I didn't know people would love me like this if I admitted I was vulnerable. But you DO love me and through YOUR love I was able to recognize that HE hasn't forgot about me and that HE still LOVES ME, even though I am vulnerable and I do screw up...quite a lot actually- I screw it up. This One told me in a team meeting once that 'its the really good ones who have to go through a lot to bring out that really good'. And that has always stuck with me; so it has been easier to accept my trials because I want to be a really good one so I stand up and move past these trials so I can be a good one. I know whatever I am going through will make me the BRAVE, strong, smart girl I wanna be. I wanna change the world, I want to inspire and love and lift up others. And in order to do that I have to be able to inspire, love and lift myself up and I know that going through yucky stuff to reach these aha moments is what its going to take.

So my loved ones, those of you I have meant and those I haven't.....THANK YOU a MILLION times over.............for the lesson in LOVE and helping me through this yucky thing. I want to pay it forward and share this LOVE that is consuming me......I love my community and the POWER of your kindness. Thank you for saving me and loving me this Christmas season.

Much LOVE!

XOXO~S

2 Days Post Fire

my 'Hudson' Christmas Angel
my 'Addi' Christmas Angel


I feel like I am starting to make the steps in starting to put the pieces or ashes if you will (haha) back in order after the fire. My parents are my strength and there undying, never ending source of courage and love lifts me up every day. The disaster clean up folks came out and gave us a quote of about $40,000 to clean up the cottage, insurance would cover some of it but not near enough so we are getting set for a DIY project! My folks are the King and Queen of DIY! They amaze me. My daddio very carefully enclosed the back patio and got propane heaters and we now have a staging area for the clean up. It amazes me how we take items out of the barn to clean and the strong stench of smoke that remains in the fibers of everything, even with the stuff outside the smell burns your nostrils. My mom went to the cleaning store and found special 'fire' laundry detergent so we are able to wash and save some clothes. Clothes like vests that have a vinyl shell or something similar are burnt from the heat but good ol' cotton is washing up nicely. 'Auntie Lemons' very graciously handed down some 18 month old clothes for Hudson. Thank you Lemons! He could still use a few more warm things, a few of you offered which is so appreciated, if you could email me (saradeppe@live.com) or txt me (870-3700) so we could set up a time to meet that would be so, so helpful.

Addi, my little Miss Independent and strong personality is just so sweet! She doesn't seem to mind what is going on, she loves sleepin in Uncle Danny's room and being around Nana/Papa. She wears a size 3T and could use some warm, snugly clothes. I do need to just pause and say it is very hard for me to sit here and type this, people have been so generous offering help, and it is so hard to admit I need help, I guess a bit of it is that I feel a little prideful and just want to be able to do it myself. But if the roles were reversed I would want to help someone, I do hope that reading this you know I am not looking for a 'free ride' or 'handouts'. OK, I'll stop with all my insecurities and get back to Addi. Most of her toys/dolls/bears are covered in ash/smoke but I expect to be able to throw them in the washer and they will be all right. The food that wasn't burnt by the fire was destroyed by the smoke, hopefully the insurance will cover restocking a pantry again. We expect to be staying in my mom's house till about the end of January. My teenage brothers are being very helpful and gracious and sharing a room and givin me and Addi the other room and Hudson's has the office.

I was so hurt and frustrated that out of the things that actually got 'burnt up' their Christmas presents were among those. The last couple months have been very hard, emotionally and physically, but we have persevered and gotten through. We have so many blessings and it has been a huge lesson in not taking things for granted. A hug from a friend, a kind word or play time with my kids has gotten me so incredibly far. As a friend was describing on her blog though, at Christmas time you know the true meaning of Christmas, and love and appreciate that but as a mom you want to be able to give them what they want. This is the first year that my little two year old is in awe of all the lights, Santa and the joyous activities around her. Her most used and my most favorite saying lately is 'ooh my goodness', it just warms your heart. I wanted to give her such a special Christmas and worked so hard at my jobs and very carefully went to Ross and Goodwill and got them the cutest toys and I was so excited for them to open Christmas morning. I'm sure she will not notice what is missing, she has gifts from Grandma's and Grandpa's and we will both surely have a beautiful Christmas, we are together and we are safe, but I can't help but feel a bit sad.

However my sadness is so much more over powered by the love we are surrounded in. As I have grown older I have become very aware that not everyone has parents as special as mine, especially my mom, she is a beacon in a very dark world, my rock, my strength. She is a very happy, strong woman and I adore her. We are safe and have a roof over our head, the help from fabulous friends and love in our hearts. I know the Savior has felt the things I have and He knows what I am going through....so during this Christmas season, who could really ask for more?
xoxo
s

p.s. i heart you.....yes-you!

The fire

my brave girl shelf with what is left of my sweaters above it

this was a picture frame, but it now melted

my coat....no its not suppose to be black

my 'keep calm and ride canvas' that is burnt, huge emotional kick in the pants

my white Brave girl bird candle, now melted and not white

So before I get into the fire story I need to rewind and tell you on Wednesday I discovered I had an intense mouse problem in my cottage. Like droppings in my bed sheets, in my drawers on my Jammie's, in the cupboard with my baby's blankets...like GROSS! So I have been staying with friends and on Sunday I decided I was going to put my big girl boots on, plastic gloves, the vacuum and a TON of sanitizing product and scrub my house, make it sparkle so even Mr. Clean would be impressed! And I did it, freshly washed sheets, with cleanly folded clothes and organized toys and Christmas presents wrapped and I felt so accomplished, this feeling of accomplishment was at about 5:30 yesterday, I grabbed my coat and cowgirl hat and I decided I was going to run to Albertsons and get some stuff for a girls night. My hair has needed dyed horribly bad and given budget constraints I decided to do it myself so I bought dye, wine, chocolate and a Glamour magazine, rented a movie and headed home for a wonderful night with my mom. I got home and my mom told me Hudson was grumpy so I said I would go put him to bed. I scooped up my little guy and made the short walk from moms house to my cottage, upon walking up to the cottage I saw bright orange flames at my kitchen window, hmmm I thought this is so odd, maybe someone came out here and lit a Christmas candle for me. With Hudson on my hip I opened the door and was greeted to billowing black smoke and bright leaping flames. I started screaming for my mom and ran back to the house, "MOM, THE BARN IS ON FIRE-BAD!!!!'. She ran out there and called 911, I didn't know what to do so I stood there and cried, Jeff ran out and immediately was looking for ways to try to put it out but the fire was just too big, he grabbed the front door mat, wet from the rain and tossed it over the stove where it appeared the fire was originating from. We anxiously waited for the fire department, the minutes creeped by as we waited.

Pause the story for a moment.....in case you aren't up to speed I moved into my moms cottage the end of September after my divorce proceedings had started. My mom and her husband Jeff, aka Daddio, had spent weeks remodeling the barn into a perfect little guest cottage complete with girly details. Beautiful aqua blue paint, and a deep vintage white sink, new kitchen appliances, laid new carpet, built and painted me an island and new kitchen cabinets, hardwood floors upstairs, a remodeled bathroom, a light track on dimmers.....I could go on and on. They poured SO much love and energy and money into my beautiful cottage and then I went in and poured my soul into. I created myself a brave girl shelf with beautiful antique white birds and while flowers and white candles with touches of green and quotes and things that made me happy and things that reminded me I was strong. I made canvases and hung pictures of the kids and completely made the cottage my safe haven. A beautiful place where I felt strong and independent and capable of anything, and I was surrounded also by tokens from my loved ones.

So to continue the story........the fire department finally arrived. Three firetrucks, 12 fireman and about 2 hrs later the fire was out and my home ruined. The fire started on the stove, we don't know how, the box that held all the kids' Christmas' presents sat so perfectly wrapped on top of the stove now melted into one piece with the stove. Structurally as of now things appear to be safe, but inside is ruined with black smoke, ash and water.

I am beyond words grateful we are all SAFE! I know it is just material things but I can't describe to you the emotional pain I feel. This beautiful place that was my safe haven is covered in black, like a sick creepy blackness that is trying to overtake my life. I have tried my damnedest to hold my head high and look my struggles in the eye and say "I will not be bigger than you", I can do this, I am going to kick butt! But this just feels like its more than I can handle right now. Hopefully we can clean and salvage some, but right now all our food is toast...ha ha... and the clothes are covered in ash and we can't do anything about it now cause we have to wait for insurance.

Among the midst of all of this I was texting Stacey and April, I told them what was going on and they showed up in the midst of it. The fireman left and we all sat at the table, my mom came in and sat down with us. With out saying anything my mom held our hands and we bowed our heads in prayer. And my mama said the sweetest prayer...."Dear Lord, we know that thou loves us, but our hearts hurt right now, and this feels like more than we can handle, please wrap Your love around us like a warm shawl over our shoulders, this will only be an inconvenience, as a family we will persevere. Please let Sara know of our love for her".....we all had tears streaking our face by the time my mom was done with her prayer, she gave me a big hug and went to bed. Stacey and April stayed with me, they hugged me and ate chocolate with me, put my kids to bed, highlighted my hair. Without me even having to ask they were there for my strength when I needed them.

I am sad, frustrated, worn out, and mad. But I know I can do this. I am so grateful for the safety of my children and the strength from my family and friends. And be prepared....because 2010- I'm going to kick some butt, its going to be a great year!!

xoxo

-S

P.S. The mice are gone :)