Trying to figure it all out

My mind has been heavy these past few weeks. I am always taken by surprise when it feels as though I have woken up one morning and am once again finding myself trying to figure it out. How to live the life I want and how to be the best me and where everything and everyone else falls into place. I feel as though this heavy load of stress I've had these last few months have finally caught up to me and I have this deep unease in the pit of my stomach. As I learn new things about the people in my life and have new experiences with them I realize new things about them which makes my focus turn inward and realize new things about myself. And as obvious as this sounds it has been a hard lesson for me.........I can not make other people happy, I can not control their actions...........I can only do my best to do what makes me happy and control my actions. With this realization comes this overwhelming amount of sadness because I do not feel as though I have the time to do what makes me happy I only have enough hours in the day to do what is necessary in life. I love people, I love to do things for them and be social and surround myself with my loved ones but when I do this I find myself feeling stressed and not being able to enjoy it for this deep frustration that I should be cleaning my house or doing laundry, or any of the million other household chores that a working mom never has time to do. My deepest frustration and sadness is the shortcomings I feel I have as a mom and wife. I swear lately I have been riding the crazy bus!....no take that back, driving the crazy bus! I feel this enormous love in my heart that makes cry when I think of my husband and kids but I feel as though I have a hard time making my actions line up with that love. I do pretty good during the day, getting through work with a smile on my face, then I have just barely enough energy to be somewhat happy and energetic around the kids but by eight when Kevin gets home its like all my spunk is gone and I'm just left with crazy. So I feel like each night I just dump all my crazy off on Kevin. I so much want to be a fun mom with my kids and take them to do stuff but between weather and money I feel like I am just constantly letting down my kids. I want Kevin to look forward to coming home to me and be able to have some nice, quality time together. I am so frustrated.........all I can do, all I have time to do is work and its a necessary evil, there is no way around me working, but it takes all I've got and I hate that. My words seem to have run out a bit so I will leave you with this quote from Lori's blog that I love: Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass....its about learning to dance in the rain! And please realize that I don't mean to be a downer... it has been hard for me to share, I've been procrastinating blogging, but this blog is my journal and I want it to be an honest reflection of my life. So this is me...honest and driving the crazy bus!
XOXO
Sara