ahem....she's back!

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. Helen Keller

AHEM!----yes! I'm back! And in oh so many ways! Firstly I'm back to blogging, so your long days of distress over it can finally end, lol! And second, and more importantly, I'm back, Me, Sara DEPPE! (notice the name change wahoo) HAPPY and ready to go! My divorce is finally finalized and I finally feel like I am on the other side of this! I had the great blessing of going to Utah, with my dad, and two sisters Becca and Amy and we had the best conversation! One of the things that my sister said to me was how she remembered me the in '04/05 when I worked at CBX and how happy and confident and 'just me' that I was and how she had seen me loose that over the last five years, and how I was finally starting to 'be me' again. This really made me think and ponder, cause during the five years I never really felt like I had lost myself, but as I sat and looked back I saw the things, events, & people that did ultimately lead to me loosing myself and how scary and sad it was. Upon realizing this, I had this huge epiphany on how I wasn't lost anymore! I finally feel comfortable in my own skin again, I feel happy and empowered and joyous. The last five years was one kind of loosing myself and then the last four/five months was a whole other kind of loosing myself. I've been in therapy for awhile and it gives you a very keen sense of awareness. During the time I was a married I did a lot of putting what others wanted ahead of my own, I took care of everyone else and I was really good at it and I truly thought that this was the way to be. But in throwing myself so much into taking care of everyone else I stopped taking care of me, and at first that was ok and it didn't affect me that much; but I think we can compare our souls much to a rose bush, the roses are always there and they start off young and beautiful and full of bright vibrant color, and then if we neglect the bush of the years the thorns start to come through and branches grow unruly, the flowers are still there but the color has started to fade and they are harder to see among the thorns. I neglected this beautiful soul I was given, and all my joys and talents and gifts that came with it, they were still there but I let so many other thorns and branches get in the way they were really hard for me to see. Luckily, our master Gardner was up there and He saw down and still saw all those beautiful flowers and saw the beauty and potential they still held and started the hard process of trimming back the thorns. Ok, side note, as I'm sitting here writing this with my two year old all over my lap this analogy seems a bit corny, but I am at a lose for words sometimes and besides life is a bit corny sometimes anyway right? So back to my roses, I was so into taking care of everyone else cause at first it seemed easier but after so many years of doing so I learned the hard way that the only way to properly take care of anyone else is if you take care of yourself first. Of course I don't mean in the selfish, me, mine, I kinda way but in the softer ways of its ok to say no and to only surround yourself with those that truly care and its ok make sure that you get a good night of sleep so that you can be at your best giving self the next day.

Life Lesson 1: Putting other first is only easier at first, eventually you are only left with yourself and you have to take care of you.

I have also had the great joy of spending a lot time with my dad lately, geez, I can't even write out this first sentence and I'm already tearing up. But my dad, wow, if you haven't met him I will make it a point to introduce you. My dad is the greatest man I know. He has always helped me out and most importantly he has always LOVED ME, even if what I was doing was wrong or something he didn't agree with or if I made a mistake he always loves me. The past few months I've done my fair share of royally screwing up and he's always been there to help me. I talk a lot about my dad and was never sure the way to really just describe what it is that he does for my soul and then I figured it out one day when I was stuck at Ross and convinced I had locked my keys in my car when really they were in the side of the car door the whole and my dad spent literally a few hours helping me figure it out and drove me place to place while I looked for my keys -lol- but during this I finally realized that the way he loves me, the way he has always loved me, even when I mess it up bad, is that his love is so strong and secure that it gives me permission to love myself. Each time if it was a 'yes, Sara you disappointed me; or dang it Sara, you know you shouldn't have done that; or a what where you thinking' he is still there and helps me through it, I never fear loosing his love and even at times when I may not deserve it, its still there anyway and the way he is so able to love me no matter what, gives me that permission to love myself! Its the most amazing gift a parent can give their child. It's what makes me feel like my dad's princess, amongst a Brady bunch amount of children.

Life Lesson 2: You have permission to love yourself

When you have this wonderful permission to love yourself and you take in your world around you there is no way you can deny the Lord in your life and the love that He has for you. And all this beautiful love around you makes you want to strengthen yourself and live up to all this love. There has been a long time in my life where I didn't go to church and I just flat out didn't think I need spirituality in my life. It was always a screaming voice in the back of my head that I tried really hard to shut out, and I did an ok job at times, I did a lot of things I'm not proud of, did a lot of drinking and cursing and letting myself be with low people in low place and in this dark environment in was easy to deny any light, beauty, love that the Lord has abundantly present in this world. But you can only do so much of that (for say the last four months) before your two besties are telling you to come over at 10 o'clock at night to talk to you and your scared to death and they tell that you aren't as clever at hiding any of this that you think you are. Apparently I'm really bad at bullshitting people. I am so lucky to have them, I can only imagine what they went through seeing me put myself through all of this and knowing that all they could do was watch me be stubborn and learn it the hard way, and then to still have open arms when I finally let it all go. Thank you April and Stacey and Becca. I love you. Which leads me to my next few lessons.....

Life Lesson 3: Surround you with people that will call you out on your bullshit.

Life Lesson 4: I am a spiritual being and I need and adore the presence of the Lord in my life.

Life Lesson 5: When you surround yourself with people that love you and you have the permission to love yourself it comes full circle with the love the Lord has for you and get a really happy LOVELY life.

So, I said it once and I'll say it again, through all those crazy experiences that led me to all those lessons, I finally feel like I can say I'm back, folks, Miss Sara Deppe is back! I am so happy and grateful. I am completely off of my anti-depressants and have joy with me now that I had forgotten what was like to have. I am deeply grateful to all of these people in my life that have helped me to learn these lessons and continue to remind me of them. To all of my family and besties, my friends the old ones and the new ones, thank you for your love!!!! So currently, I am taking a month off from school to have a summer break with my little ones and we would love to see you and play; I am excited to go back to school, I really love being a stylist; I am going to a great church and loving it; I'm surrounded by amazing people; I'm happy; I'm dating someone really special; and oh yeah- did I mention I'm HAPPY.

Sweet friends, thank you again for your love and I pray that you are happy and loved and I'm right here if you need a reminder of any of that. I'm really good at blonde moment jokes lately too :)

Have an amazing night lovelys!

xox0

~s