2 Years Ago Today

Carson Andrew Tobias
June 16, 2006

Two years ago today I had the miscarriage of my son Carson at five months pregnant. I just wanted to take a moment to think of him today. As I look back on the whole experience I think of what I have learned and how it has changed me as a person. I still miss him terribly and there is a place in my heart that will always belong to him. I also wanted to take a moment and thank all of my wonderful friends who helped me get through this. All my friends -Stacey, Angie, April, Lori, Kat, Kenna, Jesse, Nicole- stood by me strong, calling me and lending me books, taking me up to McCall and being so sweet to me. My mom was my rock, she paid for and planned the funeral up in McCall. I am so thankful to all my family that came up for that and for Nicole that drove up to take the pictures. Nicole- that meant so much to me I can't even tell you! They are all I have left of him. My co-workers were so understanding and everyone was so good to me. I couldn't have gotten though it with out you all!!

I still remember the shock of the moment, it was my first pregnancy and the thought never crossed my mind that this was an option. I was laying on the table in the position, feet in stirrups and all and she told us there wasn't a heart beat. Kevin was standing next to me and put his head on my chest and just started sobbing as did I. It was a really rough time but my doctor and mom made it easier. We received such an outpouring of love and support. I came home to a house full of flowers which were so appreciated. He was so small, the hospital gave me his footprints, they are about the size of my pinkie nail. I bought him a blanket, hat, booties for him to be burried in since he was too small for clothes. Nicole and Jesse helped me take pictures and make his cards to send out and get the song to be played at his funeral. The day I came back from work I will never forget I walked in and saw Jesse and started balwing and she gave me the sweetest, biggest, most comforting hug. You are so good to me Jesse!

I remeber one of my friends telling me it a club you don't want to belong too. I was so suprised after it happened how many other women it had happened to that I knew. Well, I'm not sure how to wrap this up cause I could go on and on. But I love you all and am thankful for your support. I belive that up in Heaven I will have a chance to be the mother to Carson that I didn't get to be here on earth. I love my little boy!

Love,
Sara